


Charlie Finds A Radio

by bluerobot14



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Drinking Paint, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-28 15:37:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6334633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluerobot14/pseuds/bluerobot14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie finds a new friend half-buried in the mud under the bridge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work here, so feedback is greatly appreciated!

Charlie was on a paint bender, this was his third water bottle full today. It was late, too late to be kicking cans under the bridge. This time of night and he knew he was running the risk of getting stabbed with a bottle by a crackhead or any of the other undesirables who hang out under the bridge. Charlie had come to mope under the bridge because Frank was doing coke with Pondy at the apartment and both coke and Pondy brought Charlie down. 

Charlie wasn’t really keeping his eye out for cool stuff, but when he saw the CB radio half buried in the mud he knew he needed to check it out. He couldn’t just leave a treasure like a possibly-working radio under a bridge! Charlie only knew what it was because he had seen them at the pawn shop he frequented when he needed something to cause trouble with. 

Charlie got pretty dizzy stooping over to haul the radio out of the mud and flopped down on the ground with his new toy. He knew that at this point he should probably be heading home-- if he stayed out much longer he would likely pass out where he sat. He just needed to check this thing out first.

Charlie looked it over for a minute, trying any buttons that looked like they could bring it to life. No luck. Charlie pried the top off, pouring some of the river water out of the radio. It was in pretty rough shape. Radios had always made sense to Charlie, like some things did. He fiddled with the wiring for only a few minutes before the speakers roared to life. It sounded busted, the only sounds coming from the big speakers on the front were static and a strange electronic wailing sound. 

Charlie sat and squinted at the green control panel on the front. The wailing entranced him, he didn’t know why but it seemed to make some sense. It was like someone or something wanted to be paid attention to…

****

“Chah-ly?! Cha-lie, wake up!!” Frank yelled in Charlie’s face.

Charlie groaned, “Jeez Frank, stop kicking me, I’m up I’m up.” 

“Did you spend the night under the bridge? Charlie, don’t do that, you’ll get messed up!”

“Yeah I know that Frank, maybe you shouldn’t kick me out of my own apartment.”

“Awh I didn’t kick you out Charlie, come on, let’s get you home.” Frank said sympathetically. “Hey, what’s that?”

“Nothing, just a radio I found in the mud.” Charlie said, picking himself and his radio up off the ground, “Let’s get home, I need a minute with the wash bucket.”

****

Later that day Charlie snuck the radio into work in a backpack and hid it downstairs until Dennis was done ordering him around. Charlie then snuck down to the basement, muttering something about rats and fumes. It was true that the rats were all riled up today and he had released more toxic fumes into the basement to calm them down, but Charlie really wanted to investigate the strange sounds coming through the CB. The instant he turned on the radio the wailing started up again, this time more intense. He tried to change the channel, see if he could get a stronger signal, but the dial had a ton of dried mud in it. 

After a few minutes of listening to what Charlie had deemed an attempt to communicate he decided to talk back. He started by just telling the box his name and all the things that were important to him. He told the box about cats and spiders and ghouls. He told it about Frank and Mac and Dennis, and his bar. He told it about all of the things that he dealt with in his everyday life, and the box seemed to respond. It seemed content when he told it about his life, and it got quiet when he got excited about something. The wailing turned to a screech when Charlie told it about how Dennis and the gang treated him sometimes. The box seemed to agree that they weren’t fair to Charlie, and that he had more talent than they gave him credit for. Charlie then told the box that he fixed it, and it seemed impressed. He told the box that keyboards made sense to him the same way circuitry did, and the box seemed very excited. It made an entirely new noise, one that seemed like an electric little tune.

“You like music!?” Charlie asked, his voice raising with excitement, “Can I play something for you?” 

The radio squealed in response, obviously excited. 

“Hold up, let me go get my keyboard!” Charlie practically squealed. He was embarrassingly excited to show his new friend something that made him feel accomplished. 

Upstairs Mac was sitting at the bar alone.

“Hey Charlie, what’s up?” Mac said, happy to see someone.

“Uhh, not much, gotta get something from the office.”

Mac turned back to the bar, but when Charlie walked back by with a keyboard he couldn’t contain his curiosity. “What’a ya doing with that, bud?”

Charlie knew he was caught, but he wouldn’t let the gang get it’s hands on his new pal. “Uhh, nothing, just going to lure in the rats with their favorite tunes.”

“Okay? That doesn’t sound right, please be careful, man. Have you let all the fumes out of the basement? You’ve been down there for too long if it’s still all toxic and stuff.”

“Yeah yeah, of course, of course! That’s why I need the music! Gotta get them close enough to bash.”

Mac didn’t quite believe him, but let him go anyway.

Charlie spent the next several hours playing and talking to his new pal. This radio was turning out to be such a good listener. Charlie had attempted to ask questions about the being on the other side, but the sounds got sad when he did that, and he didn’t want to upset it! He played it all his favorite songs, and he played him the entire The Nightman Cometh musical he wrote for the waitress. He continued to chat with it about life and his ideas, and it got more and more friendly and gentle with Charlie. He had started to associate words with the sounds it was making, and it really seemed to agree with what he thought it was saying. 

****

Mac knew Charlie was up to something, and he was determined to find out what. He had tried sneaking down the stairs partway to hear what was going on, but he couldn’t stay for long periods of time because he got really lightheaded, and falling down the stairs would blow his cover. He could hear some staticy noise and Charlie singing and talking, seemingly to someone else, but Mac knew there was no one down there and he couldn’t hear anything responding.

Mac decided to go to Dennis for help, and of course Dennis took the credit from him and told the rest of the gang. After much yelling over what should be done they finally went with Frank’s idea of calling Charlie upstairs and having just Frank talk to him while the rest of the gang hid behind the bar. 

****

Frank yelled for Charlie, and when he showed up Frank was immediately struck by his red eyes and the thick smell of fumes Charlie brought with him, but decided not to mention it. “What’s up Charlie?”

“Not much, what did you need Frank I’m kind of in the middle of something?” Charlie asked, annoyed.

“Oh nothing Charlie, I just wanted to know what you’ve been up to! You’ve been downstairs all day!” 

“I already told you guys, I’m dealing with the rats! Do you want rats running around all the time?! No! So let me get back to what I was doing, or you can bash the rats!” Charlie was gesturing wildly and clearly agitated. He just wanted to get back to his radio. 

“Look Charlie, we know you’ve been talking to somebody. Just tell us what’s going on! We just want to know!” Frank pleaded, giving up the gun.

“Us?” Charlie screeched, leaning over the bar and finding Dennis, Mac, and Dee huddled together, “Goddamnit guys, why can’t you just let me have this! You are always taking everything cool I find! And why are you hiding?”

“We thought you’d be more likely to share whatever you’ve got with Frank.” Mac said sheepishly.

“Screw this, he left whatever it is in the basement, let’s just go find it.” Dennis said.

“Yeah, he doesn’t get to keep it all for himself!” Dee agreed.

“I don’t know guys, it’s pretty rough down there. He’s filled the basement with gas or something.” Mac commented.

“Alright, Frank, go get whatever seems out of place in the basement! And do it fast, you’re far too heavy for us to drag up those stairs.” Dennis ordered.

“Why me!?” Frank yelled.

“Because you’re the oldest and your body has gone to shit anyway. Just go get it.” Dennis said with force.

“Alright alright.” Frank grumbled.

“Awh come on guys, you won’t get it. You’re just going to break it or mess it up or something.” Charlie pleaded. Frank started for the stairs anyway. “Alright, alright!” Charlie jumped in front of him. “I’ll go get it, just wait here.”

Charlie went downstairs and walked into the green glow from the radio. “Alright CB, I’m going to introduce you to the gang.” CB beeped unhappily, and increased its protests as Charlie took it up the stairs.

“Well here it is!” Charlie announced happily. 

“A radio? Who have you been talking to on there?” Mac asked.

“Well… I don’t know.” Charlie admitted. “It just sort of responds to me, you know? I get it.”

“Somebody’s been huffing too many of those fumes.” Dennis said judgmentally. “It responds? Show us.”

Charlie looked at the radio. “Well… I’m not sure you’ll understand, but here we go.” He picked up the mic. “Hey, what do you think of the gang?” 

The static stayed the same, but there was no reply.

“Hello?” Charlie asked.

“What’s it supposed to do?” Asked Dee. 

“It, like, makes noises!” Charlie squealed. “You know what, nevermind, I knew you guys wouldn’t get it.”

“Looks like there isn’t much to get.” Dennis said.

“Yeah, looks like you’ve got a broken radio.” Mac said. 

“Whatever. I’m going back downstairs.” Charlie replied, packing up the radio and taking it back downstairs. “You are still there, right?”

The radio beeped happily. Charlie was happy with his new friend, and happy it would only talk to him. Thousands of miles away the beings on the other end hadn’t quite gotten the nuances of human language yet, but they were learning. They were learning a lot from this trusting man named Charlie. Charlie was going to help them prepare for their next objective: Earth.


	2. Chapter 2

Charlie had been downstairs nonstop for the last day and a half, and Frank was sick of it. He needed Charlie to keep him company and back him up when everyone ganged up on him or he didn’t know what was going on. Frank went into the back office to plan how to get Charlie out of the basement and back in his life.

Frank sat down in his smelly desk chair throne and got to work. He could always throw something toxic in the trash so that when Charlie went to fuel the furnace he would get smoked out. No, it was already bad enough down there. Frank wanted to flush out Charlie, not kill him. Frank tossed around a few more ideas involving broken glass and cats until the lightbulb in the ceiling burned out.

“Well shit!” Frank said. Maybe it was time to give up. “Wait a second…”

Frank saw a faint, flickering glow coming from a seam in the floor. “What’s that?” Frank asked no one but himself. He went over and got on the floor for a better look. “An old vent! I bet that light is from the basement! Hmmm….” Frank was finally going to be the first to figure out what was going on!

*****

Upstairs the remaining members of the gang were getting antsy.

“I just don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s a broken radio!” Dennis said, frustrated that one of his pawns wasn’t around to get things for him.

“Awh let him have it. It seems to really be making him happy.” Dee said. Dee wasn’t thinking that at all. While she was happy that Charlie seemed happy she still wanted whatever the radio had for herself. “Actually, you guys seem to have everything under control here. I think I’m going to skip out on this whole operation. I’m going shoe shopping.”

“Fine, go ski shopping” Dennis spat, annoyed as ever, “We’re going to figure out what’s going on around here, right Mac?”

“Actually Dennis, I don’t think I really care about this one either. I’m going to take the day off too.” Mac said, playing it as cool as he could manage.

“Fine!” Dennis said, wishing he had somewhere to storm off to. He stared into the mirror on the back of the bar and sipped his beer instead.

*****

In the office Frank had been busy using his teeth, a letter opener, Mac’s security sword, and anything else he could get his hands on to bang at the seams of the grating. He had torn all of the wood flooring away from the sides before the old thing would finally tug loose. 

Frank figured out that if he propped his wide, short body up against the filing cabinet he could get his giant head down into the rectangular hole to see into the basement. He spent the next few hours watching, listening, and breathing an even concentrated version of the furnace fumes that had accumulated near the ceiling.

****

A few hours passed before Dee returned. She found Mac and Dennis sitting at the bar right where she left them arguing over the passage in the bible regarding tattoos.

“What’s up dickholes?” She interrupted, holding an enormous and heavy radio she had bought off some shady Armenian at a pawn shop. 

“What the hell is that?” Dennis asked. “Did you seriously go out and drudge up one of those ancient things?”

“Yes I did! Now we can just listen in on Charlie from up here!”

“Sweet!” Mac said, jumping up. He was immediately on board with the plan. He was also beginning to miss Charlie.

“Well alright, I guess it would be kind of fun to know what the nut has got going on down there.” Dennis admitted, “But wait, your bird brain didn’t even think about how we’d get that thing working. Did you think about that, bird?”

“Well, no, not yet. But if Charlie can work one so can we!” Dee sat down with the machine at the bar and began fiddling with it.

It didn’t take too long for the three of them to realize that they didn’t have anything they needed and that CB radios were more difficult to work than they thought. They tried looking up what to do, but it seemed like every working CB radio needed to be wired into a truck. It was Mac who finally brought it up.

“Guys, so, if the three of us can’t get power into this thing, how is Charlie’s working.”

The other two simply looked puzzled for a few seconds.

“Now that is a good question, Mac!” Dennis said, happy to give the praise to his best friend instead of his sister. “Let’s go get Frank to find out. He needs to pitch in some on this anyway.”

The three went to the back office and Mac flung open the door.

“What the hell!” Mac yelled at the sight of Frank sticking out of the floor.

“BAH!” Came the muffled surprise of Frank from under the floorboards. There was a lot of grumbling and pulling as Frank tried to pull himself from the hole he’d made. Finally the boys had to pull him out.

“Jesus Frank, what were you doing in there! Your fat body is too stiff to try to pull out of a hole like that!” Dennis said.

“Holy shit, no, what’s wrong with your eyes!?” Dee yelled. Mac gasped. Frank’s time half upside down in the gloomy, fume filled basement had broken all the blood vessels in and around his eyes making him look like a deranged devil.

“Ah nothin’” Frank said. “I was just spying on Charlie and the fumes must have gotten to me.”

“Spying on Charlie!” Dennis exclaimed, “It’s time for a team meeting.”

****

The gang spent the entire night working out what was going on. FIghting, mostly, over whether what Frank said happened happened. All of them took turns getting to look into the hole in the office and stating their thoughts on the matter. They had made charts, tables, and had many a chugging contest. By the end of the night the gang was too drunk to stand, but they did end up at a conclusion that they couldn’t outrule: Charlie was really talking to beings from The Other Side.

****

Charlie was losing his marbles. He had been telling CeeBee (his BFF) all about the different issues that the gang had come across over the years. How everyone needs a gun to protect themselves, the Government is poisoning us all with apple skins, cats are the key to portal jumping, ect. He felt as though he had been ranting for days. The radio had begun asking him about things. Jobs, markets, infrastructure. Charlie wasn’t really sure where all this was going, but he was getting really amped up. 

“You see that’s why women can’t be trusted to make their own decisions! Because if they were then the little guys like me would never be able to take care of their ladies because they’d be all busy chasing after some beefcakes.” Charlie took a gulp from the bucket of fluorescent green paint he’d found in the office earlier, “Ya feel me?”

CB let out only a short sound in reply. “What’s up buddy?” Charlie gave his radio his dopeyist green grin. “What can I do ya for?” CB fell silent. “Come on man, we’re pals! What do you need?” Charlie asked, getting worried. CB started whining in a muffled tone. “Mhmm. I see.” Charlie said. “That’s easy! I can do that for you!” 

“Ree-aly?” CB toned.

“Of course. What are best buds for?”

CB beeped contently. Charlie could tell it was getting a little sleepy. “Well, I guess that’s all for the night.” CB made a long, sad whirring noise to beg Charlie not to go. “Awh!” Charlie slurred, “Want me to spend the night with us?” He suggested before curling into the radio and conking out before he got an answer. 

****

Frank had been in the closet for a long time. Too long. Long enough, in fact, that he knew the truth. He knew what he had to do. He had convinced the gang to be on his side-- a feat that he never expected to pull off. He had sent Mac and Charlie to the store while Dee did the costume design. 

He had convinced them with some of the big fancy words he had heard Charlie using in the basement along with the fact that they were all a little spooked. The gang had realized that there was no way Charlie’s radio could work, it didn’t have a power source. It was also weird how much Charlie had seemed to have changed-- but Frank didn't care. He was going to help Charlie in this new adventure-- how could he not?

*****

Charlie woke up to a flickering light swaying directly above his face. He lurched upward, his movement stopped by something… Charlie realized that he was tied down. And his friends were standing around him. But something wasn’t quite right.

“Shh Chalie, I’ve gotcha.” Came Frank’s voice from Charlie’s right shoulder. Charlie could feel Frank stroke his hair. 

“What is going on!?” Charlie screeched, “Get this freakin’ light out of my face I can’t see anything!”

“You’ll see soon enough.” Dennis’s sinister voice came from near Charlie’s left foot. “Soon enough.”

Charlie started struggling at that, if Dennis was leading he knew he was in trouble.  
“No no no, you don’t want to do that!” Mac interjected, pulling at the neck of his shirt and scowling at the heat, “Struggling is useless, and you’re just going to piss me off.”

“Mac! Mac, man you’ve gotta help me out of this man, there's no reason for me to be tied down like this.” Charlie pleaded, sure his best friend would help him out. 

“Yeah there is, buddy, it’s called false idols!” Mac said triumphantly, missing the point entirely.

“No, we’re tying him down so he doesn’t get the aliens all to himself.” Dee chimed in.

“No no no! Mac! Dee! Shut your traps. Charlie, just shut up and sit still. This will be over soon.” Frank said, walking away wiping sweat off his head. “Dennis, come here and help me.”

Charlie was starting to see more, the glare was wearing off and he sort of wished it wouldn’t. The first thing Charlie noticed was the weird-ass outfit Mac was wearing.

“Hey man, what are you wearing?” Charlie couldn’t help but ask. It looked as though Mac was wearing some sort of diving suit, but it was solid black and very, very thin.

“Don’t worry about it.” Mac, said, blushing a little.

Charlie turned his head so he could see Dee. She was wearing the same thing that Mac was, but it seemed like hers was… shimmery? Charlie couldn’t tell. 

Charlie finally looked down. He was wearing the exact same thing Mac was. It did feel tight, but it also felt latex-y.

“Guys!” Charlie screeched, frantically pulling at his restraints, “What the hell am I wearing? Come on, guys, let me out!” 

“Just calm down, Charlie.” Dee tried.

Charlie saw the green glow of CeeBee appear to his right. Next he heard Frank grunting like he was trying to lift something, followed by a crash.

CeeBee started screeching, a terrible sound it had never made before.

Charlie started straining at his bonds frantically, no longer willing to listen to anybody. Mac and Dee tried to hold him down, but he started snarling and biting insanely.

“Jesus, dude! Chill!” Mac yelled, trying to snap Charlie out of a rage he’d seen before.

“Frank!” Dee yelled, trying to get help.

“I’m comin’ I’m comin’” Frank replied, surprisingly nonchalantly. He walked to the foot of the bed, lugging the CB radio. “Look, Chalie, I’ve got it, it’s fine.” Frank said, instantly calming his friend.

 

Charlie snapped out of it. CeeBee was fine, just a little bashed on the corner. He realized that he had broke his shoulders free and could see around the basement now. Everyone was wearing the ridiculous latex suits and appeared to be wearing some sort of eye makeup. It was like the gang was wearing dark red eye masks. In the corner furthest from the stairs, only a few feet from Charlie, was a work-bench with another CB radio, a car battery, and some scary looking tools.

“What the hell are you guys doing down here?” Charlie asked, turning to look to his left, “And has the furnace been on all this time?” Charlie realized that the gang’s eyes were really just that red, the vessels around them breaking, likely from lack of oxygen in this horrible basement.

“Uhh, nothin’, Charlie.” Frank said, doing his best to look convincing. “We were just gonna secure you so you wouldn’t freak out like that. I’ve been really worried about you, buddy. This radio has got you awful mixed up.”

Charlie almost believed Frank. He did, actually, for a second. Until he looked at Dennis.

“Dennis, why are you smiling?” Charlie asked, knowing that that question would be innocent aimed at anyone besides his friend Dennis. That was always a loaded question for Dennis, because he didn’t get that smile for much.

Dennis’s smile fell. “Bring me the machine.” Dennis commanded, showing his true colors. He started laughing maniacally, then, slipping into his god complex easily.

Frank did make a run for it, but with Charlie’s shoulders already unsecured Frank didn’t stand a chance. Frank hit the ground, hard, CeeBee crunching sickeningly beneath him.

“CeeBee!” Charlie yelled, rolling an injured Frank off of the badly dented radio. “Oh, pal, no.” 

“I’m sorry, Charlie.” Frank said, truly said he had hurt his friend, but mostly wanting to go up and have a beer because that radio had really jabbed him good. “Wanna go upstairs and see what we can do to help it?”

Charlie sniffled, trying to push one of the little dials back into place. “Sure.”

****

Charlie wouldn’t even speak to them until they told him what was going on, so the gang explained how Frank had heard some really crazy things and they really just wanted to know the truth, so they were going to torture it out of Charlie while they experimented with the radio.

“The real issue,” Dennis summed up, “Was that we just couldn’t figure out how the damn thing works.” He took a drink of his beer. “We couldn’t make ours work for anything, and yours wasn’t even hooked up to anything!”

“No, I think the real issue was the fact that that thing is pure evil,” Mac stated, raising his eyebrows and pointing to the radio, “I bet you that spying alien is beaming back to its Predator-looking master right now!” Mac was unsure whether the biggest threat was with the big man upstairs or with the possibility of a real-life Predator, so he was playing it safe.

“Are you guys forgetting the fact that the real prize is that the person who makes peace with our friends from space is spared from their almighty wrath?” Dee tagged on, hoping the guys would see the real point here.

“So, for whatever reason, you guys all just wanted to get to know CeeBee?” Charlie asked. “He’s just a radio, right? Tell ‘em Ce.”

“Look, see, I knew he’d talk for ya!” Charlie looked around at the gang, happy all his friends were going to get along after all. “Gang?”

Everyone had gone really still.

“What’s goin’ on there, buddy?” Mac asked, putting his hand to his head. “Also, is anyone else feeling a little light headed?”

Dee hit the floor, and Dennis leaned onto a bar stool. “What’s happening to us?” Dennis asked.

“Oh shit!” Charlie exclaimed, “You guys aren’t used to being in the basement for that long, I should have warned you not to breathe too much now that we’re back up here. Also, it’s crazy hotter than it should be, I must have forgotten to cool down the furnace before I passed out. I’m surprised any of us survived that, honestly”

“What the hell does that mean?” Dennis asked. “Were we just going crazy breathing that gas the entire time?” Everyone looked at Mas as he slumped to the floor. “And Frank, why did you say we had to dress like this if the radio didn’t tell you to?”

“The radio?” Frank replied, “No, no, I just had us dress like this because it’s the most practical thing if we’re going to be specimens for the other side. Besides, I found these amazing suits at this store Artemis takes me to and they went on sale! ‘Cept for Dee’s, I had Artemis pick that one out.”

“Oh, jesus, Frank, that is disgusting. You bought your children bondage costumes?” Dennis found some of his strength to raise his voice. “I’m storming out of here.” He said it firmly but he knew he probably wasn’t going to make it. “What about all of that stuff you told us, that whole plan you had?”

“Uh, see, I sort of thought Charlie understood, so I was just going to torture a plan out of him.” Frank replied.

“You were going to torture a plan out of your own goddamned captive?” Dennis shouted. He finally gave up and slumped to the floor as well.

Frank sat in the booth with Charlie. “Frank, I was just explaining all of the schemes the gang has done over the years.” Charlie explained. “I also tried to teach CeeBee all of that echomomics you taught me.”

“Awh that’s sweet, Chalie. I’m not feeling so well. I think I’m going to sleep right here tonight. Will you stay here?” Frank laid his head on the table.

“Yeah, man. Of course I’ll be here. Goodnight.” Charlie smiled at his roommate.

Charlie stayed up drinking beers and fiddling with his radio all night as the gang slept around their bar. Finally, in the early hours of the morning, he heard a chirp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This part was a little rushed, any feedback is appriciated


End file.
